What if I had to deal with infertility?
For some reason starting as a teenager I had a feeling that being able to conceive a child would be difficult for me. I don't know why I felt that way, since I was never told there would be an issue. In fact, quite the opposite. (I even had one doctor tell me I had "textbook" organs and should have no problems whatsoever.) However, there was just always a feeling deep down inside and I just knew.
With my first marriage, I still didn't know there was issue. But now I can honestly say, thank goodness there was. Otherwise, I could have been forever linked to that ding dong. Instead we were able to part ways and hopefully, will never cross paths again. In this case, infertility was a blessing.
When my current husband and I began to try having kids, every month led to disappointment and frustration. There was nothing more disheartening than to see only 1 line, when you would have done almost anything for two. This was compounded by hearing all of the women at my church announcing their pregnancies or going to the doctor's office and hearing women complain about everything they were having to miss out on while being pregnant. I didn't understand. Everyone else in my family got pregnant just by holding hands. Why was I "special"?
Also, the hardest part about it all is that infertility is not something you necessarily want to shout from the rooftops. It's not like you see people going out into the world, yelling, "Hey guess what? I am infertile! Woohoo!" Instead it becomes a very frustrating, emotional, and personal battle that can feel very lonely. You want something/someone to blame, hate, hit, fix, etc. Sometimes you do this to yourself, sometimes your spouse, sometimes God, sometimes just life in general. In other words, it is an intense journey. Let's face it. It is a loss. Even in some ways a death, and the same grieving cycle applies as if someone truly did die.
Then you have the "meaning well" group that begin to hound you relentlessly regarding "When are you going to have kids?" They mean well, and want the best. However, they don't realize that in fact this is a very personal decision and often there are extenuating circumstances that may be impacting this situation. If that should be infertility, it can not only be frustrating but even embarrassing. (Like you want to announce to everyone about various dysfunctional aspects about yourself and your significant others.) Because let's be honest, if someone says they are infertile, often the first question asked is "What's wrong?" Ummmm . . . None of your beeswax! Some things are just not meant for sharing.
I have to say that through all of the experiences that my husband and I had, I learned more about conception than I ever thought possible. (Successful conception, even naturally, is truly a miracle!) While we were truly lucky and able to have a successful IUI after numerous medications, testing, HSG, and various other projects, I truly do know just how amazing that was.
Unfortunately, this does not mean that all of a sudden I am a part of the "Fertile Myrtle" club. In fact, quite the opposite. My infertility is still quite there and will never go away. All I have to do is look at the stack of medical bills or the number of pills I have to take daily if I ever need reminded. It's a part of me and I can either learn to love it or hate it. And sometimes I feel both!
My Own Personal "What if . . . "
What if I had never experienced this? Would I truly be able to understand or be empathetic and understanding when talking with someone who is dealing with infertility? Would I still be a part of the "meaning well" group and perhaps unknowingly rubbed more salt in that unhealed wound of others of trying to conceive and can't? I have learned a new level of empathy that I would have never learned otherwise. In otherwords, I hadn't known, if I hadn't personally known. Because of that, I have been able to educate others so that they can stay out of the "meaning well" group and be more sensitive to various situations. I also, hopefully, am able to support others who get "blessed" with this.Jenny McCarthy coined a phrase called "Mother Warriors" regarding those mothers who fight for their children. We, who deal with infertility, also are a part of the "Mother Warrior" crowd for we truly fight for our children's lives, be it through adoption, IUI, IVF, surrogate, donors, or just by loving and caring for other's children.
So what if I had to deal with infertility? I have. I am. I will.
To learn more about Infertility (IF), please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101. You can also visit www.resolve.org/takecharge to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week.
