Success?

It's funny some of things you think about when you are up in the middle of the night, delirious from lack of sleep, and feeding a newborn. As I have started on this journey of new motherhood and have changed my focus from being career-oriented to parenthood, it has caused me to re-think the priorities in my life and where it is heading.

For so long I had goals and focused on the success of my career. In fact when I first met and started dating my husband, I told him that there was no chance of any type of serious relationship going any further with me because I had plans, and a relationship was just not a part of them. I have since, thankfully, had to eat those words and have been asked every once awhile by my hubby and father-in-law as to how those plans are working for me. Yeah, they are totally out the window.

Even when Jim and I were first married, I had the Director of Juvenile Corrections, where we live, offer me the job of a lifetime. It was the type of job that I had worked my entire career for. However, there was no way I could take this position. It would mean a relocation, which would not be possible with Jim's work and plans to go back to school. Plus, we were wanting to start a family and this was the kind of job that would require many hours of overtime and travel. Consequently, I had to turn it down which was in no way easy to do.

As we started to face the possibility of never having children of our own and even when we thought we were going to lose our little one, I once again began to look towards my career and where I wanted to go. I decided that I would put my focus back on that rather than stay at home and mourn. It gave me purpose and direction.

Now as I juggle feedings, diaper changes, laundry, and other various household chores I am having to re-evaluate what I consider to be success. I have no desire to go back to work, and hope that I never have to, especially since I do not have family or reliable (aka trustworthy) daycare available to help out with little man. However, I admit I want to be successful. But just what is that exactly?

I think for everyone it is a different definition. It could be money, items owned or acquired, celebrity status, social status, etc. I think it mainly boils down to what kind of lasting mark do you want to make on the world or rather what do you want to be known for. Right now, I am not sure what that is for me.

All I know is this: 1. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. 2. I want a husband and a son who want to be home because it is a happy and warm environment that I have helped to create. #2 I know what I need to do. However, #1 is my new journey that I am embarking on. I just know that I need to find my own definition of success whatever that may be, which I think will be forever evolving.