End of Life Planning . . . Lessons Learned

On February 12, my hubby's dad (aka Papa Doc) passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly. This meant that my husband flew to Oklahoma for the funeral and to see what needed to be done. Little did we know what was in store for us . . . . Let's just say we have learned A LOT, both good and bad, regarding end of life planning. Before I begin to list some of those things, let me explain a little about the family dynamics:

Jim's mother, "C", was married to another man before she married Papa Doc. The marriage was short lived and she was divorced while she was pregnant with their only child, who was a girl that was named big "K". C later married Papa Doc and they had three children together, my hubby, J, and a baby boy that died shortly after birth. Papa Doc adopted Big K (who later changed her last name and legally had the adoption cancelled so that she was no longer legally Papa Doc's daughter). C then passed away and Papa Doc re-married a lady by the name of "Oma". She brought with her two kids, named "Little K" and S, from a previous marriage. Need a recap? That means that for my hubby there is a half-sister, a biological sister, a step-sister, and a step-brother. Confused yet? Hold on.

Oma had a heart attack/stroke about a year and a half ago that completely incapacitated her. She now lives in a nursing home full-time and is unable to feed herself, walk, sit up on her own and has very limited communication skills.

Now that you have the background, you can see how confusing things can be and how messy a will and other such paperwork and be complicated. Luckily, Papa Doc did his best to keep the will and such paper work up to date and had in fact updated the will in September of 2011. Unfortunately, he did not tell anyone what it contained or who was in charge of what, which everyone has been finding out more and more time has progressed. Consequently, here are some of the things we have learned both good and bad:

1. Communication is key! While end of life planning and discussions are definitely not pleasant, they are important so that at least the parties who will be in charge will know that they are and be prepared if the time comes. For example, we just recently found out that not only is my hubby a co-executor of the will with his sister, J, but also has power of attorney over Oma. We now have to scramble to get paperwork and are dealing with the ugliness of jealousy and sense of entitlement of others. It would have been nice to have known this was coming and to have a copy of the paperwork, especially since we don't live anywhere close to where everything is.

2. Any anger, frustration, jealousy, ill feelings, etc. of any kind that were there before the death of the parent will be intensified 100x, especially if money is involved. The things that have been said or actions that have been taken have been not only shocking, but saddening. Ultimately, it is the deceased person's money and wishes and that is it. Taking it out on each other changes nothing. However, if people think that they may get more money or things by threatening legal action, they will especially if they are in financial need.

3. Including a "no contest" clause is also vital! Luckily, Papa Doc did include a clause that if anyone contested anything in the will, there would be consequences. While it is still yet to be seen if this will be tested, we are glad it is put in there.

4. Include someone else on your bank account(s). This can be a scary decision to make since they could easily wipe you out. (Found that out through my divorce.) However, if you have someone you can trust, this makes things so much easier. Otherwise, once the bank finds out you are deceased, if there is no other person listed, they will freeze all accounts until the death certificate and execution of the will occurs. This can take a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time and in the meantime bills still have to be paid and settled and some people are not willing to work with those left to deal with all of this. Luckily, this was all taken care of.

5. Funeral/burial planning makes things so much easier for those left behind. Surprisingly enough Papa Doc had done this just weeks before he passed away. Now it is just a matter of writing a check, which can be done since J is on the accounts and there is money in there for this expense.

6. Do NOT put off the planning, putting it all in writing, and making it legal! You just never know. In no way did any of us expect that Papa Doc would be the first of our parents to go. Between my parents' bouts of cancer and Oma's health condition, we were sure that one of them would be first. Papa Doc was the only one that did not have any health problems and he did have regular check ups. We are so thankful that he had updated things. Things would be so much more messy and complicated otherwise. In fact my hubby and I are putting are things together and will be meeting with an attorney ourselves in the next month to finalize our things. While we hope we or others will never have to use them, we have seen firsthand how important it is to have them in place, especially when you have minor children and/or estranged family members that could potentially hurt other heirs.

You just never know, so be prepared. Those left behind will thank you! (At least those who are nice will.)