Our Status

Well, things have been pretty tipsy-turvy around here. Here is a brief run down (Some of it you may have heard before.):

1. Told by our doctor there was nothing more she could do to help us with our infertility. It is considered unexplained and we are old.- yeah, thanks for that reminder, Doc, on my birthday no less.

2. Next month found out we were pregnant only to miscarry a week later, and all the fun that brings. The nurses I have been working with along with my doctor felt just as sad as we did since they become so intimately involved in the process. We all shed tears when the blood test confirmed the status.

That now puts us at Infertility treatments - 15; miscarriages -3; medications- too much to count; wiped out savings and checking accounts to the point we can't afford any type of vacation or further progress on this house. In other words we are tapped out physically, emotionally, financially, in regards to resources.

Any further option to bump up the game to at least $10,000 per try and that doesn't include the travel, lodging, etc., since we would have to go to Boise or Salt Lake and stay there for a month since no one here does anything more than what we have already done. And the insurance pays for NOTHING, I know shocking! . . . . And the real clincher is it only increases your chances by 20%. That is it!

Unfortunately fertility is an exact science with no real exactness to it. For example, you get only two days, maybe three if you are lucky, that you can try. Then if everything lines up correctly then you have to hope for the fertilized egg actually moves down the Fallopian tube. Then if that worked the fertilized egg well attach to the uterus, which again is rare, in fact there are a lot of fertilized eggs that don't attach correctly so when you think your cycle is starting over, you are actually miscarrying. Even in the best of circumstances, you have 20 % chance of getting pregnant. And the science part? There is no way of knowing if there was a fertilized egg unless it attaches long enough to produce enough HCG hormone to be detected.

So where am I going with this dribble? Actually conceiving a child and carrying them to full term is truly a miracle. It is not something that occurs "from holding hands" or "just thinking about getting pregnant". It is truly complicated that with even all the medications, monitoring, and procedures still leaves a lot to fate/destiny/God during what we infertiles call the dreaded two week wait. This is when all that could medically be done has been done and now we have to wait for the next two weeks when implantation should occur and we get a positive result or not. So you can imagine how much harder it is for those of us who can't seem to fit in that 20% category month after month after month and thousands of dollars after thousands of dollors. No reason as to why. It is a bit disheartening, especially when you are surrounded by those who are in the 20% club over, over, and over and complain about having another child or hurt their child because they didn't want them.

So adoption options . . . Well LDS Family Services have changed their rules. You now have to have documented infertility. We actually had an appointment with a counselor that we had to cancel because we were pregnant, even though it ended in miscarriage, we are no longer eligible for at least a year. (That means a year of no pregnancy.) Never mind the year(s) it can take to not only get approved and then matched. The ironic thing is that the adoption counselor here is my former supervisor at my last children's mental health job. Not sure how I would feel about all the things he would know about me and my family. Here is why:

The background check is pretty intensive and includes profiles and info for my siblings and husband's siblings. Questions get asked like: what do they do for fun? How often do you see each other, if not often why? What is your relationship with each of them? Yeah, that one is a HUGE issue on both sides. The same types of questions for children from previous marriages not from the home, including a section discussing what type of parent relationship there is.

Weeeeeelllllll . . . . .if you know anything about my family of origin and Jim's family of origin, as well with his daughter from a previous marriage, let's just say there a lot of red flags, that once again we have no control over, but deeply impact our lives. And since I don't for see a miraculous change in any of the "problem areas", adoption is pretty well out. Thank you dysfunction! Consequently, I don't think this is the path for us, not unless there are some major personality adjustment in certain people, which haven't happened in years. Never mind the fact that it would also be over $10,000 as well.

I don't know what is next. I do know that Tre is getting older and I really did not want too huge of a gap in ages. In fact I have begged and pleaded that this be avoided and then month after month goes by with no positive, long-term result. Plus face it, we are getting older as well and the biological clock and I are having a race to see who gets to the end first.

3. Also we have the whole employment issue looming. The dissemination of information has been handled very poorly and has all the workers and their spouses in a panic. They are going to cut 190-240 people. We don't know who yet, but everyone has to re-apply and interview for their current position and the may not get an offer to stay on. That is occurring the next couple of weeks.

They are looking at closing the in-town offices and sending them all to the site for 12 hour days, which actually equals to 14-15 hours due to travel time. There are no current office spaces available, so they would have to bring in more trailers which will be more expensive then leaving them in town. No extra pay for this and means Tre wouldn't see his dad 4 days a week and any more graduate school would be out of the picture. Plus hubby would have to drive himself out there and back, since he is a subcontractor and they are not allowed to ride the bus. And let's just say those roads get NASTY in the winter.

So we have at least another month before that funness is officially announced. In the meantime, we are looking at options such as moving to Tennessee, or better yet get out of waste management altogether since he will have his Master's degree in December and was even able to have his professor approve for him to get his crit safety certificate in December. (We weren't sure was possible to the numerous class cancellations.) This will hopefully open many more doors to a more permanent position that will last until he retires, rather than ending every couple of years as he helps to close the site down.

4. Not to mention school has started again, which means I am on my own for the next 16 weeks and anything I want to do for myself is pretty much out the window. I instead become the chief cook, bottle washer, launderer, housekeeper, caretaker, bill payer, lawn maintenance person, snow removal person, etc. with very little time for me and what I want. It gets frustrating when my wants are largely predicated on my husband and he is not available . . . . Do you see a never ending circle we have going here?

So I guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and start teaching again. I hate the thought of giving up the little time I do have to myself, but we desperately need to start building up our checking account again, especially with a move in the future.