A Time For Pondering

As we rapidly approach the 1 year mark of Little Man's birth, it is time for my husband and I to again start thinking about adding to our family or not. Just yesterday, I met with my doctor and had a long talk with her regarding my fears and concerns. The biggest one being: I cheated death once trying to have a child, do I dare tempt fate again?

There is also the added complication that now that we have a little one having a pregnancy like last time would be next to impossible. Being on bed rest with an EXTREMELY active and inquisitive almost toddler would not be a good combo, especially with no extended family to help.

As I sit and think about the possibilities and concerns, I can't help but to think of my husband. He is all for having another child. However, his mother died when he was 8 so he knows all too well what is like to grow up without a mother. Is it worth taking that risk for Little Man?

Could I live with the guilt if I miscarried a child when I knew I was at high risk going into it? I can't help but feel it would be partly my fault.

While there are currently many tests being run, including the glucose tolerance test tomorrow to see if I am still Insulin Resistant - gag!, there are no guarantees or sure answers. While I know there are many out there who say, "I felt the best I ever did when I was pregnant," I can't say the same. I have never been so scared and frustrated. Every doctor's appointment was filled with dread and anxiety regarding what could be wrong now. In fact during the full pregnancy there were on 2 visits that were "normal." Consequently, 9 months is a looooooooooooooong time of worry and fear. Those who have lost children in utero or have had difficult pregnancies are the only ones who can understand. It's not something you can "just get over" or not think about. It is a constant worry until you see that newborn with all the appropriate parts and healthy.

Plus with 3 1/2 more years of grad school looming ahead, adding one more child for me to handle mostly on my own? hmmmmmm I am still trying to keep up with the first one who is too dang smart for his own good. (i.e. He's already figured out how to take out the safety plugs from the electrical sockets and he's not even 10 months! AAAAGGGHHH!!)

Adoption is not an option for us due to age, time, and family issues that would definitely put up red flags with the social history. (I know, since I have done adoption home studies professionally.) Plus having helped to place children for adoption I have seen the strong pros and cons for this. Right now for our family, there are too many cons. However, I still believe adoption is a wonderful process and with the right people can be a truly great and miraculous thing for all involved.

This is definitely a time where faith, common sense, and modern medical science are extremely intertwined. I don't know what those answers are, and no one can provide them for me. I just know there is a lot of pondering and thinking that is in my future.