Today I met with my bishop. I felt like I needed to let him know where I was at in my journey since my calling in our ward is being a Beehive Advisor and I was not sure if I was an appropriate leader or example to these girls with my current state of mind. Right now the words and/or lessons that I teach each week often seem like such hollow words or concepts that apply to everyone else but me. Instead I feel very betrayed and let down and cannot help but feel that various circumstances and "spiritual experiences" were just cruel moments that did nothing but give me expensive, false hopes.
The best way I can describe is that pretend you are very hungry and someone holds a carrot in front of your face and puts it just out of your reach. No matter how hard you stretch and reach for it, it never can come into your grasp. Yet, there it is dangling in front of your face . . . taunting you. I just wish there was just no carrot. I would much prefer to just be told you will never reach it so move on, then to be promised month after month this time it will happen. That may not make much sense without more detail, but it is the best I can do and the most I am willing to share at the moment.
I don't know what exactly I expected from my meeting. I just know that I walked away feeling just as empty and alone as when I walked in. So after shedding a few more tears and driving home, I thought about how in recent weeks I had purposely made myself really busy so that I did not have to think or feel. I could just be numb. However, being at church each week and seeing all the new mothers or soon to be mothers had the reality of the situation quickly smack me in the face. I have really started to dread Sundays and am extremely glad when our block of church is over and can go back into my cave and hide.
The one thing I did realize is that it is time for me to let go what could or perhaps even should have been and write the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. Definitely easier said than done. Some day it will happen.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment