Today is bittersweet day. I was released from my calling in our ward working with the Beehives. While I have truly loved working with these girls and have loved watching them grow and learn, it was time for a change. This was a good time since they were putting in an entirely new presidency since EVERYONE from the old presidency had or is moving in the next month.
Instead of spending so much time focusing on them and their well-being, I now have more time to focus on me, my family, and our well-being. With the beginning of a new school year rapidly approaching, every moment I can have with my hubby and my son together is precious especially since house renovations are taking way longer than anticipated.
So off with the old, and on with the new!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
A Tender Mercy
Today has been a rough day. We received another huge blow in our attempts to add to our family (Nope, don't want to talk about it.) that jump started my grief cycle again. So once again I went from acceptance back to full blown rage and grief to the point I cried out to the heavens to just stop already - quite toying with my emotions and just let me move on with my life already. Consequently, I spent much time alone in my room this day.
When nighttime came, I could not fall asleep. Too many thoughts and emotions were running through me. Suddenly, my little one cried out and needed comforting to get back to sleep. As I silently rocked him, my heart melted just a little. I don't know who needed to be comforted more . . . Me or my little one. How grateful I was to have these few quiet moments with him. To just have him snuggle up against me and want nothing more than to have his mom rock him. If you know my little one and his activity level during the day, this truly was a rare and precious moment. A tender mercy that for a small moment helped me to heal my empty and aching arms even if for only a few minutes.
When nighttime came, I could not fall asleep. Too many thoughts and emotions were running through me. Suddenly, my little one cried out and needed comforting to get back to sleep. As I silently rocked him, my heart melted just a little. I don't know who needed to be comforted more . . . Me or my little one. How grateful I was to have these few quiet moments with him. To just have him snuggle up against me and want nothing more than to have his mom rock him. If you know my little one and his activity level during the day, this truly was a rare and precious moment. A tender mercy that for a small moment helped me to heal my empty and aching arms even if for only a few minutes.
Patience Is a Virtue
Four years ago I planted these begonias and they bloomed for the first time this year! So nice to see our patience pay off.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A Much Needed Break
I have decided to take a break from blogging right now. Too many hurtful and judgemental comments have been made for my taste. Since this is where I share my story (be whatever that it be) I want to step back, take a breath, and decide my next action.
In the meantime . . . Here are a few thought to the not so nice people out there:
Just because someone is struggling with a trial and it seems insurmountable to them does not mean that as an outsider it is should be made petty or small. Everyone has their own struggle and everyone deals with it in their own way. For me, I am not a person who puts on a fake smile and says, "Everything is great," when it clearly is not. If I am not happy, you know it. If I am, you know it. I am, who I am. And my husband and son love me in spite of it and because of it.
So in the future, if you find something not to your liking here or something you do not agree with, so be it. Please keep it to yourself. This is my story and my story alone. Consequently, telling me how I should or should not feel or how I should or should not handle things is really not appropriate or appreciated. (You know that whole "walk a mile in my shoes . . ." )
The only reason why I have shared my story is that many people in this situation feel so very alone and consistently judged by others who don't "get it." No, it is not cancer, world crisis, poverty, etc. However, the pain is very real and is pretty significant to those who are dealing with it. I am hoping to educate others so that they can stop being so insensitive. However, Infertility is something that has had an extreme impact on me and my family. In fact, 1 in 8 couples deal with infertility. Consequently, there may be several people in your life who are dealing with this and are too scared to talk about it due to comments such as "just get over it already", "just be happy you have one", "look at all the free time you have", "look how much money you save", etc. (Yep, have heard all of these.) And when you belong to a faith that consistently drills in your head the importance of "multiplying and replenishing", it makes it tough to handle when, for whatever reason, you are not able to.
Like I said in a previous post, rather than give a lecture especially if you have never dealt with this, wouldn't a better choice be "how can I support you in this" or just a simple "thinking of you" would suffice. Support and compassion goes much further and hurts way less.
So please forgive this rant. As I have said before, time will heal my wounds, but this is still a pretty raw issue for me and I need time. Now I will go back into my cave and isolate myself to prevent any further rantings or "disagreeable postings."
In the meantime . . . Here are a few thought to the not so nice people out there:
Just because someone is struggling with a trial and it seems insurmountable to them does not mean that as an outsider it is should be made petty or small. Everyone has their own struggle and everyone deals with it in their own way. For me, I am not a person who puts on a fake smile and says, "Everything is great," when it clearly is not. If I am not happy, you know it. If I am, you know it. I am, who I am. And my husband and son love me in spite of it and because of it.
So in the future, if you find something not to your liking here or something you do not agree with, so be it. Please keep it to yourself. This is my story and my story alone. Consequently, telling me how I should or should not feel or how I should or should not handle things is really not appropriate or appreciated. (You know that whole "walk a mile in my shoes . . ." )
The only reason why I have shared my story is that many people in this situation feel so very alone and consistently judged by others who don't "get it." No, it is not cancer, world crisis, poverty, etc. However, the pain is very real and is pretty significant to those who are dealing with it. I am hoping to educate others so that they can stop being so insensitive. However, Infertility is something that has had an extreme impact on me and my family. In fact, 1 in 8 couples deal with infertility. Consequently, there may be several people in your life who are dealing with this and are too scared to talk about it due to comments such as "just get over it already", "just be happy you have one", "look at all the free time you have", "look how much money you save", etc. (Yep, have heard all of these.) And when you belong to a faith that consistently drills in your head the importance of "multiplying and replenishing", it makes it tough to handle when, for whatever reason, you are not able to.
Like I said in a previous post, rather than give a lecture especially if you have never dealt with this, wouldn't a better choice be "how can I support you in this" or just a simple "thinking of you" would suffice. Support and compassion goes much further and hurts way less.
So please forgive this rant. As I have said before, time will heal my wounds, but this is still a pretty raw issue for me and I need time. Now I will go back into my cave and isolate myself to prevent any further rantings or "disagreeable postings."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Time to Write a New Chapter
Today I met with my bishop. I felt like I needed to let him know where I was at in my journey since my calling in our ward is being a Beehive Advisor and I was not sure if I was an appropriate leader or example to these girls with my current state of mind. Right now the words and/or lessons that I teach each week often seem like such hollow words or concepts that apply to everyone else but me. Instead I feel very betrayed and let down and cannot help but feel that various circumstances and "spiritual experiences" were just cruel moments that did nothing but give me expensive, false hopes.
The best way I can describe is that pretend you are very hungry and someone holds a carrot in front of your face and puts it just out of your reach. No matter how hard you stretch and reach for it, it never can come into your grasp. Yet, there it is dangling in front of your face . . . taunting you. I just wish there was just no carrot. I would much prefer to just be told you will never reach it so move on, then to be promised month after month this time it will happen. That may not make much sense without more detail, but it is the best I can do and the most I am willing to share at the moment.
I don't know what exactly I expected from my meeting. I just know that I walked away feeling just as empty and alone as when I walked in. So after shedding a few more tears and driving home, I thought about how in recent weeks I had purposely made myself really busy so that I did not have to think or feel. I could just be numb. However, being at church each week and seeing all the new mothers or soon to be mothers had the reality of the situation quickly smack me in the face. I have really started to dread Sundays and am extremely glad when our block of church is over and can go back into my cave and hide.
The one thing I did realize is that it is time for me to let go what could or perhaps even should have been and write the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. Definitely easier said than done. Some day it will happen.
The best way I can describe is that pretend you are very hungry and someone holds a carrot in front of your face and puts it just out of your reach. No matter how hard you stretch and reach for it, it never can come into your grasp. Yet, there it is dangling in front of your face . . . taunting you. I just wish there was just no carrot. I would much prefer to just be told you will never reach it so move on, then to be promised month after month this time it will happen. That may not make much sense without more detail, but it is the best I can do and the most I am willing to share at the moment.
I don't know what exactly I expected from my meeting. I just know that I walked away feeling just as empty and alone as when I walked in. So after shedding a few more tears and driving home, I thought about how in recent weeks I had purposely made myself really busy so that I did not have to think or feel. I could just be numb. However, being at church each week and seeing all the new mothers or soon to be mothers had the reality of the situation quickly smack me in the face. I have really started to dread Sundays and am extremely glad when our block of church is over and can go back into my cave and hide.
The one thing I did realize is that it is time for me to let go what could or perhaps even should have been and write the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. Definitely easier said than done. Some day it will happen.
Friday, June 10, 2011
What a Day!!!
Today is one of those days that my bed is looking very inviting and I am soooooo ready to go to sleep. Here is a rundown:
1. Woke up and worked out for 35 minutes.
2. Ate breakfast and took care of Little Man until he had his first nap of the day. (He woke up at 6 am.)
3. Did 4 loads of laundry. Folded and put away.
4. Went to camera store to sign up for two more photography classes.
5. Went to Wal-Mart and bought a few items for a project for Little Man.
6. Went grocery shopping.
7. Unloaded car and put everything away.
8. Made lunch for Little Man and I and convinced my hubby to go get a free chicken and rice bowl and the new Rumbi grill. (He liked it!)
9. Planted herbs and grape tomatoes on the deck.
9. Planted herbs and grape tomatoes on the deck.
10. Herded Little Man in backyard to keep away from tiller.
11. Made apricot jam.
(Aren't these pretty, too?)
12. Played/entertained Little Man while we waited for hubby to get done getting garden ready to plant.
13. Went and got frozen yogurt with hubby and Little Man.
14. Planted most of big garden. (We have corn, watermelon, cantalope, cucumbers, tomatoes, jalepenos, green peppers, onions, and peas. About half of these plants I grew from seed in my little green house I bought last year.)
Etc., Etc., Etc. Like I said: BUSY, BUSY, B-U-S-Y day! Time for a bubble bath!
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