An Interesting Lesson Learned

Recently I had to attend a training to update my mediation certification. During the training the trainer challenged each of us for one week to not offer any unsolicited advice. We were only allowed to offer advice if it was specifically asked for. After that week, the trainer asked those of us at the training how many of us had actually been asked for advice and how many time. Only 3 people raised their hands and the amount of times asked was not more than three. (Most of those attending were therapists who conduct therapy sessions all day.) It was a really eye opening result and really hit home for me.

In the past year and a half as I have dealt with infertility issues it has been interesting just how many people have offered unsolicited advice, when really all I wanted was a shoulder to lean on. Consequently, I have had to reach the point when asked what is going on that my usual reply is that I don't want to talk about it. Too many people were trying to control my life and tell me how I should live it. For those who really know me, this is definitely not the way to handle me and in fact will make me extremely annoyed.

As I have thought about it, most of my adult clients and definitely the teenagers were the same way. They didn't want my advice. They just wanted someone to shut-up and listen.

I had a wonderful supervisor in Las Vegas who was really great on how to deal with these situations. Whenever you would go into her office to tell her about something that happened, her first question would always be, "What would you like from me? Do you want my advice or do you want me just to listen?" I really appreciated that. This was especially since a lot of times she was the only one I could vent to about a case due to attorney-client privilege and I had dealt with some really serious, wacky stuff. She knew the importance of boundaries. (I have been teaching my husband this same technique. Guys this really is a great tool with women! LOL)

Bottom line, if you find yourself offering advice a lot, I would recommend trying this same experiment. I think you will also be amazed at the results you will find. Consequently, you may find yourself being a better friend, spouse, neighbor, etc, since usually offering unsolicited advice on a regular basis can cause people to stay away. If they want it, they will ask for it!