A Lesson For My Children

I don't know what got into me, but for some reason I had a deep desire/need to CLEAN!  (Maybe it is because I have been trapped in the house with sick children/husband for the last three weeks dealing with everything from flu to strep.  Consequently, I feel like I'm living in a nasty petri dish full of viruses, germs, and bacteria.  Lovely visual image you just got there, huh?)  We are not talking the kick things to the side so the middle is empty clean.  I am talking the "Oh crap!  Someone is coming to tour our house to see what we did," kind of clean.  As I was scrubbing off smudged fingerprints, grimy streaks, and various and other "lovely" reminders that I have children, the following thoughts came to mind:

Things My Children Need To Be Grateful For:

1.  Mr. Clean Erasers - These things are truly a mother of little best friend.  While it can't take off everything, it can make it more faded so that it is not as glaringly noticeable that my children are budding Picassos and want everyone who enters are wall see what the latest things they can draw may be.

2.  Food Storage/Couponing - I tend to stock up on cleaning supplies when they are on sale and I have a few good coupons.  This way I always have what I need when I need it.  Or at least that is the theory or what is intended.  So when I have late night cleaning sessions like tonight, I have needed cleaning supplies to clean off disgusting boy used toilets or toothpaste residued drawers.

3.  That There Is More Than 1 Of Them - It sometimes takes some serious sleuthing/threatening/bribing to find out who is the guilty party to various no-nos in this house.  And often by the time I figure out who the guilty party is, we have moved on to another/sometimes bigger crisis so the previous wrongdoing is forgotten or brushed off.

4.  That Their Parents Are a Good Team - It is rare that both my husband and I have reached our breaking point at the same time so that we are both losing our cool and our children run and hide.  Usually one is grumpy and is quoting the infamous Miss Hannigan line of  "kill, kill, kill", while the other is able to stay calm cool and collected and plays interference.  Tonight they can thank their father for such grace when I found said "artwork" on the front entry closet doors.  Unfortunately, for said artist, I know who exactly it was based on the fact he is the only one who can draw actual shapes.  In a few years, I won't be so lucky.

5.  Bedtime/Sleeping - Often times things are discovered after the kids go to bed for the night.  And the thought of getting them up and seeing their little angelic/devilish glint in their eye faces before I have had an 11 hour break from them is just too much so I let them sleep and usually I cool off by the time they hit the ground running the next morning.

I'm sure there is more, but I'm tired and need to go to bed so that I can start this loveliness all over again tomorrow.  I love my children.  I truly do.  However, the amount of yuck/damage/filth that three little beings under four feet tall can create on one house is sometimes truly amazing.  It's moments like these that I relish the idea of receiving distraught adult phone calls from them regaling me with stories of "Do you know what your grandchild did?"  To which I will gleefully say, "Hmmmmm, you don't say," and thank Karma.

That's Life

Just a warning:  This is a sad post, so if you want happy and uplifting this is NOT FOR YOU!

I've reached that age when my friends have started dying and I'm hating it. I also have reached that age when you have to have more tests run and be more aware of symptoms because your risk of life threatening illnesses has arrived.  It sucks.

Within the past year, I have lost two friends to cancer and have slowly watched my dad dying from the same. I have had two cancer scares myself and am currently in the "wait and see" mode for two tumors.  I hate it.

I don't feel that old. Plus having little ones I often forget how old I am, so getting these reminders are not welcome and frankly, puts me in a funk.  It's part of the reason why I exercise. Not only do I desperately need the endorphins but I am trying to keep the Grim Reaper at bay for as long as I can. My husband lost his mother when he was 8, and he still mourns and has lasting scars from that loss. I don't want my kids to experience that if I can help it.

As I have mentioned before, I take deaths hard and very personnel. It's why I chose to work with kids, since my risk of dealing with death is lower.  In fact the final straw for me in regards to counseling was when a family had me read a client's father's suicide letter to her and help her work through that because they didn't have the strength to do it themselves.  It was awful and was when I decided I needed to get out fast.  It took a lot out of me.

Where I am going with this ramble?  I don't know. I guess I just needed to purge. I am being surrounded by death and dying right now and I am just not liking it.  I feel drained and heavy. Which right now I am throwing myself into as much service as I can, which, trust me, I am doing a lot lately because of my calling in our church, and friends in need.  It's how I get through it.  I'll just be happy when there is a little more sunshine in my life and a little less doom and gloom.

Daily Expectations

Isn't it funny how at various stages in life your expectations for the day change?  Currently, here are mine:

If I get a shower and get to wear clean clothes, it's a good day.
If I get a shower, wash my hair and wear clean clothes, it's a great day.
If I get a shower, wash my hair, shave my legs, and wear clean clothes, it's an awesome day.
If I get all the above and I get to actually do my hair and make up and it's all before noon........this day is FREAKING FANTASTIC!!!!

Awwww, kids.  They never let life be dull.  Good thing they love me no matter how I look or smell like.  (I workout in the morning before they get up, so I can be pretty post workout smelly.) And thank goodness for a patient and understanding husband (and if he isn't all I have to do is leave him home for part of a day with the kiddos and he is a lot more understanding).  However, I fear for the day when my kiddos start completing assignments in school about their mom and what they will tell their teachers and friends.  I know it's coming ..........

By the way, today was a great day. :)

A Time For Reflection and Goal Planning?

Some events have occurred lately that have cause me to reflect on my life: where it has been, where I am now and where I want it to go in the future.  The one thing that seems to be the common theme is that my life in no way has gone the way I have planned it out at any point.  I've gone from the little girl who lived for dancing and singing, dreaming of the day to dance on point and singing on a stage.  Then a period of full dedication to religion, including working at church head quarters and deciding to go on a mission.  To a person discovering and fully immersing herself into the criminal justice system and finding a passion for discovering what creates a person and brings them to the point that they are in their life.  And now, here I am a full-time homemaker and mother to three little kids, playing with play dough, singing Itsy-Bitsy Spider, and making homemade bread and macaroni and cheese.  Yet, I recently got my Enhanced Concealed Weapon Permit.  I've gone from being a goal oriented, long list maker/to do list cross offer, to a person who is THRILLED when I have been able to take a shower, shave my legs, and put on clean clothes before noon. 

I don't fit a mold or a pattern.  I am a true conundrum as to who I am or what I will be doing next.  The only thing I know for sure that as soon as I make solid plans or goals as to what is coming next, that is when my life becomes seriously topsy-turvy and ends up going in a totally opposite direction.  I have a gut feeling that one of those moments is about to head my way again.  I don't know how or why.  It's just a feeling . . . . . .

What I do know is this:  I have had some AMAZING experiences in my life and that if you did not know me or had not been a part of my life for at least the last twenty years, you would never believe me if I told you all the things I have done or experienced.  Things such as going to President Hinckley's office and meeting all the twelve apostles to working with the FBI, ATF, Las Vegas Metro's SWAT team and gang task force.  Not to mention when learning about mental health diagnostics actually seeing them in full play though my work, including schizophrenia and true sociopaths.  In fact in the past year in our new neighborhood, I have been very careful what I have/have not shared in regards to my path.  Very few people take it in stride and don't get weirded out or concerned with me analyzing them or think I am exaggerating when I tell them of my adventures.  It's not what I currently portray.

I still feel like there is another path(s) out there for me and that my learning curve is far from over. Guess we will see.

Healthy Eating? What a Pain!

I'm not going to lie.  Sometimes "healthy" eating is just plain a pain in the keaster and a time sucker, since you usually cook from scratch.  You can no longer just grab something quick without preparation and pre-planning.  For example here is my kitchen from last night:

While the dinner was super yummy (Cilantro Lime Grilled Chicken, mango salsa, faux cilantro lime rice - made with grated cauliflower instead of rice, and black beans), it made a mess and created a lot of clean up.  And clean up with three little kids who want your full attention . . . . . . . ummm, yeah right.  However, it got done and I have to keep reminding myself that in the long run this is a better option.  It's cheaper than a funeral and relatively a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, Little Man is finishing up preschool this week and is NOT happy about it.  Not only is he the only kid in his Primary class at church that is not going to kindergarten in the fall (His birthday is too late in the year to meet the deadline.), he does not handle changes in his schedules well at all.  However, we discussed how every school year has an end and the exciting things that he gets to do this summer and that he will get to see his very much loved Miss Kymm next year for more days during the week and for a longer period of time each day.  He even came up with a fun new tradition: a backyard camp out the night of his last day of school.  He is really looking forward to it, but I am not so sure my husband is since he was chosen to sleep outside with him and it is only supposed to be 49 degrees.  They probably won't last through the night, but that is okay.  It gives Little Man something to look forward to instead of focusing on the sadness of school ending and that is what counts.

I think we also have officially transitioned Princess to her toddler bed.  She has been sleeping in it for both her bed and through out the night.  I'm so glad we did this now, instead of waiting. Since she can't reach and turn the doorknobs yet (Yep, she is that tiny.), she is not able to "escape" and has resigned herself to actually sleeping.  YEAH!  So much easier than the oldest!  However, I think with the Littlest Princess, we are going to struggle with the "escape plan" when it is her turn.  She is already almost as tall as her older sister and they are only a pound apart even though they are a year apart in age. Oh well, that is a worry for another day.  Next phase in Operation: I WANT MY ROOM BACK!!! is to move the Littlest Princess either in her older sister's room or go ahead and move Little Man downstairs and give the girls each their own room, which will happen eventually anyway.  We are not sure yet how we are doing this, but I just know that something is going to happen this weekend.  My goal is to have my room kid free by June 1!

Flex

 

Not bad for an "old" lady, right?

 

So this past couple of weeks have been BAAAAAAAD weeks for someone trying to be healthy and lose weight/tone up.  We've had three birthdays which means lots of cake and ice cream, and once I again I over indulged which awakened the sugar fiend within me.  I won't go into details, but let's just say damage was done.  Oh well.  It's birthday festival 2014 is over and it's time to move forward without looking back.

 

In other news . . . . Princess has been moved to a toddler bed and after a week of switching her mattress back and forth between her crib and toddler bed, I think she has finally gotten the hang of her bed and can now sleep through the night in her "big girl" bed.  Now we just need to get the littlest princess to agree to share a room with her sister and I will actually get my bedroom back.  YEAH!

 

Little Man is also finishing up preschool for the year this coming week.  I am happy/sad about this.  Happy because having to wake up the girls to take him and pick him up is a pain.  However, sad because that is my only break with him and honestly, some days that hour and a half are a life saver for both him and I.  I have a lot of activities lined up for the summer, so hopefully I can keep him busy/engaged enough without involvement of a screen that we can get through the summer without killing each other.

 

We also just had family pictures taken for the first time since before Princess was born.  It will be interesting to see the final result.  Let's just say that taking pictures with three little kids, trying to keep them happy, look at the camera, and not run away is truly a workout and stressful!  I figured that even if the pictures turn out crazy that is a true snapshot into our lives at the present time.  Thank goodness for a patient photographer that understands the craziness that is our kids.

 

I know I have lots of pictures to post, but honestly getting the time to download them and post them is next to impossible since if the kids are awake, I have "helpers."  By the time they are asleep, I am usually in zombie mode and can't get to bed fast enough.  However, it is still on my list of things to do.  So stay tuned . . . . . . 

The Value of Nurses

Any woman who is the mother of little ones and is actually involved in their lives has to believe that nurses are truly amazing people for so many reasons.  Like for example, this past couple of days have been yucky with a capital YUCK!  I have cleaned up more vomit off carpets and yes, even on me than I care to think about and don't even get me started on the head to knee diarrhea fun fest.  Whenever I have these moments, I always think to myself how blessed those who work as nurses must and should be because they deal with that kind of stuff all the time and then go back each day for more.  They, seriously, do not get paid enough. 

And in other news, my hubby and I had a bit of a wakeup call this past week.  One of our neighbors passed away today due to complications from Alzheimer's.  The really scary thing for us was that we found out yesterday that she was not much older than we are when she was first diagnosed.  It really has been wigging me out ever since.  When did I get so old and why is there this "magic" time in your life that suddenly your body just starts to turn on you and say, "I don't feel like working right anymore"?  And how did I get to this phase of life? 

When I went to the doctor last week we talked about my upcoming physical and all the extra tests that I now get to have and the risk categories that I know am suddenly in.  It's no wonder people get so freaked out and depressed over turning 40.  It's like suddenly you have reached this point of  doom and gloom whenever you go to the doctor.  It really is depressing and makes me not want to go anymore.  Don't worry, I will.  I have three little monkeys to raise and need to be around for, if they don't bump me off first.

I guess that since I have such young children which is more typical of those in their 20s, I somehow think I am still there as well.  Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things about my 20s that I would never care to repeat for anything and I am glad to be past and over being so concerned with a lot of the things I cared about then.  But the physical part of being my age?  UGH!

Off Again . . . . . On Again

This weekend was Little Miss Sassy's 2nd birthday and we tried to make the most of it.  We went out to lunch at a local pizza/play place for the kids and then had cake and ice cream after dinner.  She was hilarious because I gave her her presents in the morning, which consisted of dress up clothes.  Every time something new was shown to her the old outfit came off and the new one would come on or at least part of it.  At one point she had a princess hat, a superhero eye mask, butterfly wings, and a ballet skirt on all at the same time.  (I'll post pictures later.) 

Also on  Friday, I went to the doctor since my Metformin prescription was up and after a discussion regarding changes I've made and where I was at currently, she decided to take me off the medication!  She wants me to be off for six months and then we will re-do the 4 hour glucose test to check my sugar levels to see if the Insulin Resistance has been reversed or not.  The bad thing is that because I knew I was off, I went CARB CRAZY!!!  I won't even tell you how much of cake and ice cream I ate.  It's too embarrassing.  Let's just say the cake and ice cream are gone.  (See what I mean by me being an addict and can't have this kind of junk in the house?)

So last night I couldn't sleep and had a looooooong chat with myself regarding what was going on, how far I have gone, and just where exactly I wanted my life to go in the future.  Bottom line?  I have a lot of things I need to change up and get myself back on track physically, spiritually, and most definitely mentally.  Now if I can just follow through with it all.

At least I started on the physical this morning.  I restarted P90X3, which I was in the middle of before surgery.  Of course, I had to modify the ab stuff but the rest I did full out.  As sick as this sounds, it really felt great to be back at it pushing myself and knowing I was working towards my goals and getting my body back in shape.  I had forgotten that endorphin push that I have been so severely lacking!  It also helped me get back in the mindset of being a better me and taking the steps necessary to get back on track.

Anyway, that is all for now.  I just finished working out and need to get going before the monkeys awaken and my "me" time is gone until the go to bed tonight.  Oh, the life of a mom to young kids.  I love it, but have to admit I wish there was someone reliable and understanding that could take the kids for an hour a two at least one day a week just to be able to recharge my batteries and regroup.  Possible even reconnect with my husband since we only seem to pass each other as we switch which kid needs attending to when we are both in the house at the same time.  Oh well.  We will have to the house to ourselves soon enough and this extremely important and vital time in the development of our kids will have passed. 

Hello,my name is . . . . .

Why hello, size 8 jeans! 

Yep, I have FINALLY hit the single digits and I don't even have to pour myself into them or suck in as I zip and pray.  It's only been, ummmmmm, 15+ years since I saw this size.  I know, I know that's an awfully long time, but I have a good excuse.  Really!

What is it, you ask?  I'm a food addict.  There, I said it.  It's out in the open.  I didn't become that way overnight.  In fact it was a build up of a lifetime of bad habits that put me in the chunky monkey category. 

You see, in my surroundings, food is a BIG factor.  If you think about it, food takes a major precedence in almost every facet of life.  You got a new job?  Great, here's some cake.  You feel sick? Here's some homemade bread that you can slather with butter.  You broke up with your boyfriend? You "need" a fudge sundae.  Roadtrip!! - Stock up on M&Ms, chips, cookies, and Diet Coke.  You are new to the neighborhood?  Here's a plate of cookies. ------See what I mean?  It's everywhere and the idea that you "need" it or "deserve" it is constantly pounded into your head. 

Then you add in the complication that you are Insulin Resistant and have been your whole life without knowing it and can't process any of this sugar correctly so it turns straight to fat and you have yourself an equation of DISASTER!  I literally was eating myself into an early grave, and I needed to change that FAST!

It's not been easy to not only admit this but to take drastic measures such as I just don't have the "crap" in my house.  I can't.  I literally can't stop myself until it is gone and the whole time I am eating it telling myself how stupid it is that I am eating it.  Warped think, don't you agree?  In fact, I am so conditioned anymore that you would die if you saw the amount of candy and junk that I have thrown away.  Not to mention, I let my kids have one piece of candy for two days after an event such as Christmas or Halloween and then it gets thrown out or given away. And when I say thrown out, I mean out in the large garbage can that goes to the curb on trash day or under so much gross disgusting nastiness that there is no way I would even touch it.  Yep, that's how bad my addiction is.

I am still working on what I can do to "reward" or comfort myself that is quick, easy, and healthy.  There are not a lot of alternatives when you have three little crazy monkeys that rarely give you a moments peace, but I'll figure out something eventually.  The one thing I can say is that Truvia/stevia is my new best friend and I have a peanut butter cookie recipe that uses no flour or sugar that would knock your socks off.  Really!  They are sooooo good and eating just one is usually enough to get me through the really bad craving.  Or there is a "Sweet and Crunchy Nuts" recipe that I resort to as well.  In fact that is usually what you will find me doing on Saturday mornings is fixing my stash for the week. (Which I have to double or sometimes even triple because my husband gets into them as well - they are THAT good.)

And so the journey continues . . . . . . .

Back to the Real World

This me after working out today.  I did the Alpha Cardio T25 workout all modified due to my medical restrictions, but hey, I did it!

And in other news . . . . . We found out on Friday that the insurance is fighting us to cover Little Man's new medication and thanks to Walgreens screw up from the initial filling, Today is our last dose and we are probably going to have to pay for the next refill completely out of pocket and it is NOT cheap!  It's a loooooooong story, but it comes down to a numbers game not what is best for the individual and none of those involved making these decisions cares.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Well, the troops are waking up and are starting to get restless.  Why can't little kids learn about sleeping in and when they are teenagers be up and ready to go at 6:30 am like they are doing now?  Seems a little backwards.

Patience Is NOT One of My Virtues

Right now I am recovering from abdominal surgery and frankly, the recovery bites the big one.  I have worked really hard to getting in shape and have lost 25 pounds since July by nothing but good old fashion diet and exercise.  Frankly, I have worked HARD!  Changed my eating and woke up at 6 AM EVERY morning to get in a workout before fending off my three monkeys.  And now . . . . .I feel like a big tub of goo.  My eating has been awful and I have not been allowed to exercise at all until this week, but haven't gotten the gumption to get back at it.  Needless to say I have been undoing all my hard work and I am in that downward spiral of I get mad/upset with myself for allowing it to happen so I eat junk to provide me the emotional band aid which makes me even more mad/upset because I gave in and on and on and on . . . . .

It needs to stop NOW.  So tomorrow morning, I am getting my chunky monkey butt out of bed and once again starting over.  I need the endorphins, DESPERATELY! Plus I need my "me" time.  This is when I think things through and plan.  It helps me to stay focused and I am so much more productive and frankly, easier to live with/be around.  So since it is 11 pm, I guess I'll end this post and go to bed!

Wow! Has It Really Been That Long?!

I didn't realize it had been over a year since I last posted anything.  Guess time flies when you are "having fun."  Honestly, I have been so busy this past year that I am lucky to come up for air and have even five minutes to myself. 

Here is a BRIEF synopsis over the past year:

1. We FINALLY finished the house and moved in March!  YEAH!
2. Sold our old house in April.  THANK GOODNESS!
3. Had a new baby girl in May.  (Think about it folks!  2 girls a year apart.  Yep, C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!)
4. Closed on our old house 5 days after having our little girl.
5. Little Man was evaluated to see what was going on with him.
6. Bought a mini van that I really don't care for.  But with three car seats and my crazy crew, there were not a lot of options.
7. Blessed our little girl at the same time my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. 
8. Little Man started his first year of preschool.
9. I had abdominal surgery that honestly, has not been fun to recover fun and I am really kicking myself for going through with it.

And of course all of the other stuff that goes along with all the above and day to day living. 

I am going to try and be better about keeping this up.  No promises!  In fact, I even started a new blog if you want to see it. (Yep, I needed just one more thing to add to my plate.) The address is www.livinginouraspieworld.blogspot.com.  It's about our "new normal" in our house and all the things that are going on with it.  Frankly, it is a place for me to vent and purge.  If you follow along, you will understand why.

In the meantime, I better head off to bed.  Tomorrow I am helping out at Little Man's preschool Easter party and need to be on my A game for at least an hour and a half.

Six Years?!

Well, today it is our six year anniversary.  While I was initially hoping for something fun or even romantic or even better exciting, it has been a pretty dull day.  It started out with Jim having to leave at 5:15 this morning because he found out he had a surprise audit by the EPA and had to travel out to the site, which meant I got the "pleasure" of waking up then as well.  We exchanged gifts and let's just say his track record is holding strong and I have returned or am in the process of returning all the gifts he got me.  (My poor hubby really needs a lesson in gift giving.)  For him, I stayed with my Hawaiian theme and had my brother pick up some tshirts from Hawaii when he was there for work to replace the ratty old ones that I won't let Jim wear in public anymore.  I also gave him a BBQ pizza pan so that he can BBQ pizza easier on the grill, which he loves.  Plus I had to stick with the traditional 6 year gift and gave him chocolate covered macadamia nuts.  He is already wearing one of the tshirts and eaten a chocolate  or two, so once again me = win, him = try again.  LOL

The kids also woke up at 0 dark hundred, so no luxury sleeping in for me.  We've been going strong all day.  Little Man and I made cookies and I started Kalua pork in the crockpot this morning.  Jim had that for dinner with rice, fresh pineapple, green beans, and pineapple starfruit juice.  I also had a pineapple candle burning.  I had to laugh when he suggested that next year we celebrate in Hawaii, since taking little ones on such a trip . . . . . ummmmm, no thanks!  Just the flight alone with little ones .  . . . . ugh!

Unfortunately, the house is in no way finished like we were told would be for the last three weeks which is what we were really hoping to give each other for our anniversary.  I'll just say this, building a new home has been an adventure and learning process that I hope to NEVER go through again.

Now after the rush of dinner has been completed, the boys are off to gymnastics and Little Miss and I are hanging out or rather she is crawling around the house like crazy while I clean up dinner and get the house ready for us to go to bed.  I know, I know  . . . . . We are SUCH party animals.

RIP Ms. Lefty (2001 - 2013)

Yesterday, we had to have Ms. Lefty put to sleep since she had recently quit eating and had gone into liver failure.  Although we know it was the right thing to do, it was way more difficult than either Jim or I had anticipated. 

You have to understand, this is the cat who has been through so much with me.  She was there through my horrific first marriage and even more horrible end of that marriage and divorce;  the highs and lows of graduate school; a move to Idaho; job changes; a new marriage; two kids.  While anyone hardly ever saw her because she was extremely shy and skittish due to her own abuse history.  She was my little buddy that always new when I was sad and would snuggle with me at night when she knew I needed cheering up.  She also had extra toes on her front paws that made her paws look like little hands that she would wrap around  your arm while you scratch her stomach.  She wasn't demanding or obnoxious.  She just wanted to be loved in the quiet moments.  She was the only cat we wanted to take with us to the new house and would never consider giving away, yet she was the first to go.

I'm really starting to hate the month of February.  My uncle, my father-in-law, and now my cat have all died in February, the month that is supposed to be about love.  In a weird way, maybe it is more appropriate they all did.  They have all been a stark reminder of loving those you love all the more because you never will know when you have to say goodbye.  I guess, more appropriately, I should say I hate saying goodbye.

My Toughest Case

This past couple of months have been in a word:  TOUGH!  Between my husband's health problems, building a house issues, issues with my father-in-law's estate and those involved, my father's health issues, my husband's job, my own health issues, and just day to day life there have been several "Calgone, take me away" moments.  Consequently, I have not necessarily been on my A-game when it comes to parenting, but rather have been coasting sometimes even counting down the hours until bedtime just to have a moment of quiet or a quick catch up to keep the clutter/disaster in my home to a livable minimum.

Unfortunately, this has been taking a tole on our oldest, which I have seen manifesting itself in various ways and slowly escalating to the point that today he was removed from his primary class.  It was definitely not one of my highlight moments, but this also coupled with today's lesson in Relief Society lesson regarding having no regrets forced me to to take a step back and re-evaluate what is going on.

Honestly, the majority of what is happening I have no control over.  Instead I have to sit around and let the pieces fall down around me and try to put them together as they come.  However, in regards to my son I knew that this needed to be a priority.  This is especially because I have seen firsthand through my former clients and my own life how quickly a child can be labeled and consequently be ostracized by others based on such incidents as what happened today, without anyone trying to figure out why such things are happening.

I knew immediately that the biggest issue was my little one is extremely frustrated and angry with our situation.  For two and half months he has not been able to spend time with Daddy like he used to.  This can be tough when you are only three and the person you idolize is no longer available or the availability is limited and you are constantly being told to be quiet or stop being your normal active self.  While I have tried to pick up the slack and spend time with him when I am not otherwise occupied with Ellie, the house, doctors, contractors, etc., I just can't replace Daddy.  Consequently, Little Man's aggression has escalated to the point that he is now displaying it publicly.

I saw this a lot in my practice and had several cases where clients would be angry based on situations and parents would look at me dumbfounded as to why the child would display the anger when they were "just a child" and the issues did not impact them directly.  Children are amazing that way and are way more intuitive than we give them credit for.  And while I could easily help the child and their parents navigate through this, when it came to my own I drew a total blank. 

So I consulted with my old book or notes and read various journal articles.  I am embarrassed to say that I already knew what options to try and have employed them many time with various clients.  However, with my own son, I couldn't remember any of this.  Maybe it was the shock I was dealing with such a situation, or maybe it is that I have my mind on so many other situations that I just can't think as clearly as I would if I was focusing on "therapy" issues all day on a daily basis. 

So, dear reader, here we begin this new journey into my own "living case study" as it were.  I would like to think that the thousands of dollars I have spent on my education have not gone to waste and that I can use the tools that I have been given to help my own children to navigate this life in a somewhat healthy manner.  This does not mean perfection and I know there were be bumps along the way.  However, I think we, as women, are afraid to show our own vulnerabilities for fear of judgement.  When in truth there are those who are desperate to feel "normal" in the sense that bad days do happen, mistakes are made, and frustration does occur.  So this is where our new journey will take us.  Stay tuned . . . . .

The Things Kids Say

Tonight after Little Man had fallen asleep, he suddenly woke up sobbing.  I ran into his room to see what was wrong and quickly realized that he was still somewhat asleep and was not making much sense.  I got him settled down and what I thought was back to sleep.  A few minutes after I left his room, he began sobbing and yelling for me again, only this time when I went into his room to see what was wrong he said between sobs, "I'm bored."  Trying not to laugh I told him to go back to sleep and after saying okay he laid back down in his bed. 

Five minutes later he began to sob again, when I went back in this time he said, "I'm still bored."   That's when Dad got woken up and it was his turn to go in with him.  Silly kid.

A Child's Prayer

I love hearing a child's prayer, especially at the age Little Man is now, which is three.  He gets so excited to say evening family prayers and will even scold anyone who is not ready when "it's time" in his nightly routine.  Right now he is not comfortable saying them on his own so he has Mommy or Daddy help him.  We are working on including the proper vernacular by including words like thee, thou, and thine so that he can get used to using that terminology when he says prayers on his own.  However, this has not quite translated in his little three year old vocabulary.  Instead, thee becomes me and thine become mine, which has led to some pretty funny things being said.  For example, tonight instead of saying "We thank thee for the opportunity to learn more about thy son," he translated it to, "We thank me for the opportunity to learn more about my son."  Needless to say, my hubby and I couldn't help but get the giggles which led to a reprimand from Little Man about reverence during a prayer.  Still my heart melted and couldn't help but think that maybe we gave Heavenly Father a little chuckle, which I am sure there are times he could use.

Wow?!

Has almost three months really already gone by?  There is so much that has happened, but then life just is like that.  While I now have a new computer I still don't have the software needed to download pictures and my hubby can't remember where he put it.  So instead I'll just do a quick written update. . . . . . . .

In November hubby had nasal surgery to fix a severely deviated septum and hopefully stop his chronic sinus infections.  (He has been on antibiotics for almost a year straight.)  We thought it would be a fairly simple procedure and that he would be recovered within a couple of weeks.  Unfortunately, something went really wrong and he has had severe headaches/migraines ever since, which he never had before.  Needles to say, he has missed a lot of work and has been spending a lot of time in the basement away from any noise and light.  We are still seeing various doctors and have had various tests run to try and figure out what is wrong, but until then I have been nurse/single parent which has taken up any free time I had plus some.  I really hope we find an answer soon.  I want my husband back and I know the kids want their dad back, instead of the grumpy old man in the basement.  It's been especially difficult with the holidays, which is why I have told him no more surgeries at the end of the year.  Two years in a row of him being grumpy during the holidays is enough.

Little Man is almost completely potty trained in the sense that he stays dry all day!  However, that is only as long as he stays in a pull-up.  If I put him in regular underwear, then we have accidents galore!  In otherwords if he has to sit in it, that is not okay.  However, if it runs down his leg, that is okay.  I don't get it!  I am hoping that if we stay consistently dry for a month that we can then transition to underwear and be done with the whole pull-up thing! 

He is begging for us to put him in soccer, so I guess that is what we will be doing this summer.  He has also learned how to do summersaults in gymnastics and can be found doing them all over the house.  He can do head stands as well, against the wall or sofa, but that is not encouraged as much since someone is not always available to help spot him.  We are also getting ready for the transition to primary!  I have to admit that I am nervous about the thought of him having to sit for two more hours, with his little active body.  I just pray he has a very understanding teacher that lets them do some movement to help him get out his wiggles.

Little Miss continues to grow and change.  We think she may actually be getting her teeth!  Unfortunately, that means she is super grumpy and whiney which is not like her at all.  She also is getting better at standing with some support and is trying really hard to crawl.  I am not sure how excited I am about her being mobile, especially with a move pending.

Speaking of moves, more and more delays keep occuring.  It is really tough not to get discouraged, especially now that it looks like we won't be closing until a month after the original completion date. It's hard to not wonder if maybe it is all a sign that this is not what we should be doing, especially when weird things keep happening.  For example, the kitchen sink that we custom ordered was given to us broken, which according to the plumbing place was near impossible to have happen since  it is made of a really durable material. (Not to mention it arrived a week and a half after when we were promised it would arrive.)  Now we have to re-order it and again wait, which has consequently, put the granite/cabinet guy behind since he won't cut the granite or build the cabinets until he has the sink to make sure it fits perfectly.  Plus you do not want to get me started on the issues we have had with the company's office manager who has repeatedly provided wrong information to subcontractors which has meant things have been done incorrectly and have had to be re-done, delaying us even further.  Then you add the holidays in the mix of it, which means even more days with no work done, and on and on and on  . . . . . . I'm just to the point I just want things done and done right.  I want all my stuff in one place and I want permancy with established relationships with neighbors.  Being in constant limbo is not one of my strong suits.

So that is our lives in a nutshell.  My husband is still employed.  We have a roof over our heads that we can afford.  Our bills are paid.  None of us are terminally ill.  A lot to be grateful for.

Tonight I Cried

Okay, I know I have A LOT of catching up to do!  It's been a busy summer and I have tried to make sure that any spare time we have had we are doing something fun as a family, which limits my "me" time but so many wonderful memories have been made instead.  Plus my laptop is on the fritz, so adding pictures and blogging is very limited.  Hubby is working on that as well.  In the meantime . . . . . .

It's been a really rough week.  The kind of week you want to just curl up in a ball and wish the world would go away or a magic fairy would just swoop in and make it all better.  I can't divulge a lot of what is happening, but the event that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back was an incident with my son earlier today.

You have to understand my son is extremely bright/gifted, which manifested itself when he was still an infant.  At nine months old he had already figured out how to take out the electrical outlet covers and that his toys were screwed together and was trying to unscrew them to take his toys apart.  He is a very hands on learner and wants to be in the middle of learning how to do something rather than be the type to just sit and be told what to do.  He is definitely NOT the sit quietly with his hands folded in his lap.  For those who know our family, he is scary smart like his father.  While this can be frustrating when all I want him to do is sit quietly with his hands folded in his lap, I have learned to adapt to his learning style and personality.  Consequently, we have had some really fun moments when he boldly moved forward and tried things that I, as an adult, don't even know I could do.

However, the down side is that he is not your "typical" kid and we have already had run-ins with church leaders, other adults, teachers, etc. who have labeled him as a trouble maker (yes, even "monster") because he was not the sit quietly with hands folded type.  Today, in fact, he was even kicked out of a music class because of this.  He did not want to just sit and be lectured to.  He wanted to be involved and really learn music.  He wanted to sing, dance, play music, and all the while learn.  However, the teacher just wanted him to just sit and listen.  She has asked him not to come back.  Not only did she do this, but did not even have the guts to say it to my face or on the phone.  Instead, she just sent me a message on Facebook.

I was so angry and hurt and in fact, still am.  I realize that Little Man can't be singled out and have sole attention. However, I felt like he did not even get a chance or she did not even take the time or effort to get to know him.  He just didn't fit the exact mold she wanted for each student so out he was.  And somehow I have to explain to him how he is not allowed to go back. I know this is just the beginning and already know that there is going to come a day when I am going to be pulled into some idiot teacher's room with a school psychologist, social worker, and who knows who else and be asked that he be medicated or that we come up with a behavior plan because he cannot focus or rather isn't willing to just sit and do worksheets all day because the teacher is too lazy to actually teach.  Sigh . . . . . . . .

Where am I going with all this?  I don't know.  I just know that Mommy heart is hurting and I wish for a form of segregation where only "gifted" people live or at least consistent people throughout my kid's life that gets it.  Instead, here I am in rural Idaho.  Sigh . . . . . .

MONSTERS!!!!!

This is the first year Little Man has noticed the sound of fireworks at night. However, he is not sure what fireworks are (yet). As he was sitting in his room tonight he heard the booming of the fireworks and came out running with his eyes wide open, "Guys! Guys! There's monsters in my room! Scary!" Poor little guy! Guess we better take him to the fireworks display this year.