Ways to Not Handle Your Teacher

Since I just turned back the first Written Assignment for the course I am teaching, here come the complaints:

1. I am getting an A in all of my other classes. Why are you being so mean?

How I would like to respond: Because your other teachers are either idiots, lazy, or both. Forget the fact that you did not follow any of the instructions and you write worse than my nieces and nephews, who the majority are in elementary school.

2. I don't think you are being fair.

How I would like to respond: Well, I don't think it is fair that I have to waste my time reading a paper that even a 4th grader could do better at.

3. What do you mean I plagiarized my paper? I included the citations.

How I would like to respond: You sure did, you idiot! They are the same citations that are included in the original document that you copied word for word. A = for copying; A = for stupidity Good job! For paper = F and an Academic Violation Report Way to go!

4. Do you mean I have to document any information that is not my own work?

How I would like to respond: Ummmmm . . . DUH!

And my favorite so far:

5. I couldn't finish my paper because I was too sick to finish. Can't you just forgive that and give me the full points since I turned in something?

How I would like to respond: How can I grade for work that I haven't seen? Besides, my ESP is down at the moment and I am too sick of ding dongs like you to grade your full paper.

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Any ideas on how my day is going?